I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
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so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
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Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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