I just threw up on my dentist
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
