When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
