I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
