I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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