I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
