Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
