I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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