Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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