Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize