i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
