Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
