so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
