I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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