I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
