Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person