Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
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Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
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All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.