he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
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He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
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Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life