I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
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I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
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I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.