Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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