That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
