Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
