I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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