I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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