I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
