two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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