Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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