New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
