OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
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