apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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