i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
