i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
