I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Acid is not a monday night drug
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
