never play flip cup with pint glasses
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
