i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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