i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
