My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
