I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
