Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
