shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
