perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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