When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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