you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
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You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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