then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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