Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Randomize
