i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Is it penis luge time yet?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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