Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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