3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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