somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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