Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
