just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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