I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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