THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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