Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
