I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
