I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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